Bittersweet appointment

So today was the day of Isla’s appointment with the pediatric gastroenterologist. They started off by weighing her and checking her length. The results were unsettling: at 2 days shy of 8 months old she weighs 13 pounds 4 ounces (a 1 ounce increase in 8 days) and she is 25 ¼ inches long (no change in a couple months). The doctor examined her and asked me some questions. He then told me that he was confident that she has a severe food allergy to something I was eating that was making it into my breastmilk. He said that although breastmilk is best that he wants her to go on formula. But not any formula will work- only 1 kind is available for her and he said “it is very expensive”. He gave me some samples of the formula (EleCare- amino-acid-based, hypoallergenic formula that is specifically designed for infants and children with special feeding issues) - it is only available on their website or through special order through the pharmacy. It costs double or triple what a normal formula costs- and my insurance will likely not cover it! The doctor said that he wants to see her in a month to check her growth- fingers crossed that is works for her.

This appointment was bittersweet for me. The sweet: I am beyond happy that the doctor thinks Isla’s stomach issues are caused by a food allergy and nothing too serious. I am relieved that we did not have to do any invasive tests. I am hopeful that she will start to feel better. The bitter: I am heartbroken to have to stop breastfeeding. I was telling Trevor the other day that I plan to keep breastfeeding Isla past my original goal of 12 months. I love nursing Isla- the feeling of being so close to her. Breastfeeding makes me feel so bonded to her. It is something that only I can give her- it was the one thing that was all mine. I hate that I don’t get that anymore. I hate that the choice was made for me. I am not ready to stop but I have to follow the doctor’s orders. I feel guilty (although the doctor told me it is not my fault and that I should feel proud and not guilty because most Moms would not go on such a strict diet for such a long time like me) that her stomach problems were caused by something I did. I feel uneasy with the decision to stop breastfeeding- right now I don’t feel like it was the right decision for my baby although I am sure this feeling will pass. I wonder if the doctor is right. It doesn’t help that after feeding her formula for the first time tonight that she spit up 4 times (not like Isla at all to spit up) and was grunting and growling in discomfort. I hope it is just gas but wonder if I made the wrong choice. Before I was confident in the decision to breastfeed (even on the strict diet) but now I feel so unsure. I am just taking this day by day and hoping for positive results and hoping I start feeling better about everything.

Our next appointment is September 27 (my wedding anniversary) and we are hoping she grows! Please keep Isla in your thoughts! Love you all!